Bad Boys Thrill Us, Good Men Heal Us

Why we love boys bad boys and why we need to stop romanticizing them

There was a time when I thought love had to feel dangerous to feel real. I was drawn to bad boys—the rebels, the thugs, the punks, the rule-breakers, the men who lived life on the edge. You know, those boys in school that would always get in trouble? They carried a certain thrill, a magnetic charisma that I always felt attracted to.

The Romanticization of Toxic Love

We romanticize the idea of toxic love, hood love. The Bonnie and Clyde, The Harley Quinn and Joker, the Slim and Queen. The narrative of standing beside someone through thick and thin, no matter how toxic the situation may be. We also romanticize villains in movies, fantasizing about fixing them—whether it’s characters like Joe Goldberg, Patrick Bateman from American Psycho, or Tate Langdon from American Horror Story.

It’s not just about them being attractive characters but, it’s the idea that underneath their brokenness lies a soul only you can save. We’re drawn to their danger, their unpredictability, and the notion of being the person who could bring out their humanity. It’s as if we see their flaws as challenges rather than red flags, believing love can transform them into someone better. And I’ll have to admit—I’m guilty of this, too. My phone used to be full of “I can fix him” memes. And this narrative gets reinforced in pop culture and social media repeatedly, romanticizing the struggle and glorifying the toxic dynamic of loving someone who doesn’t know how to love back.

It’s not just something we see in pop culture, but perhaps a narrative I believe is also rooted in Black culture. Kyra Tye’s brilliant commentary on infidelity “'All men cheat' is the biggest cop out” was so eye opening. It mirrors the romanticized notion of 'hood love' that I, too, once believed in—a love defined by endurance and sacrifice rather than mutual respect and stability.

I’ve seen educated women, accomplished women, women who have so much going for them, find themselves drawn to this idea of love rooted in drama and danger, get their life ruined by “sticking beside a man no matter what”.

What women don’t realize is the men we choose reflect everything about how we see ourselves. They speak to our internal worlds, our self-worth, and what we think we deserve.

When I was chasing bad boys, I didn’t understand that my choices were saying something about me—about my comfort with toxicity, my acceptance of dysfunction, and the parts of myself I wasn’t ready to confront. I remember sitting with my therapist talking about how my choices with men were affecting my life, and looking back, I was extremely in denial about it.

So, Why do women love bad boys?

At least in my experience, I can tell you why. Choosing bad boys felt like my own act of rebellion against expectations, against my parents, against stability, and even against myself. I didn’t want to be predictable— I craved the thrill, the passion, and the chaos.

I believe women are drawn to bad boys because we romanticize the struggle. There’s something intoxicating about the idea of being the one who can "fix" them, the Bonnie to their Clyde, the ride or die who stands by them no matter how messy things get. It feeds into the idea that love has to be hard-earned to be valuable—that true devotion means enduring pain, drama, and even disrespect.

And the truth is, I didn’t feel the need to be a good person because well, most of the bad boys i’ve dated weren’t exactly good men. I mean sure they had this “fallen angel” charm, but some were criminals, problematic, rude and toxic. That toxicity became a safe space for me. A space where accountability wasn’t required and a dynamic where both of us weren’t challenging each other to grow.

Looking back, I realize that the men we choose often reflect something about how we see ourselves or what we believe we deserve. At those times I lacked self-love, I was severely depressed and suicidal. Dating bad boys wasn’t just about rebellion or thrill—in the end, it was about my own fears of stability and vulnerability. Choosing chaos allowed me to avoid confronting the kind of accountability and growth that comes with loving and being loved by a good man.

The Good Man

After some growth and self-love, I realized that this “love” wasn’t sustainable. And that’s when I met someone different—a good man. Like always, I thought good men were boring and too good for me but, I was healed enough to give it a chance and it was the best decision I ever made. Him not being a bad boy took me a while to adjust to his calmness, kindness, and patience though. His love didn’t need to be a rollercoaster because it was built on trust, respect, and the willingness to grow together.

However, I have to mention how this new love was confrontational and challenged me. Loving a good man meant I couldn’t stay in the toxic patterns I had been comfortable with for so long. At first, I pushed back. “You’re too good for me, I don't deserve you” I’d say—a phrase we often use to avoid vulnerability and accountability without realizing that we are deserving of love and fully capable of growing and becoming a better person. Overtime, his kindness, his patience, and his integrity pushed me to be that better person, and in doing so, I had to confront all the parts of me that were hidden in my past relationships. I had to face my own flaws, the toxicity I had accepted, and the ways I had allowed myself to be less than I could be. I had to realize that love isn’t just about feeling good—it’s about growing, healing, and becoming whole.

Loving a bad boy wasn’t the love I needed, but loving a good man has taught me to be a better woman. It has shown me that peace is much more powerful than passion, and that real love isn’t a constant rush but a quiet support that makes you want to be your best self.

Image: Cassie leaving her abusive relationship with Diddy and building a new life with Alex Fine is a prime example of reclaiming agency and finding true happiness.

And to the women still chasing the rush of bad boys: I get it. The thrill is real. But remember, you don’t need to be in chaos to feel alive. You are worthy of good, healthy love — the type of love that lifts you and supports you. So choose your partner wisely, because the right man will inspire you to grow and become your best self. That’s the kind of love that truly lasts.

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