The Truth Behind Non-Monogamy
What non-monogamous relationships taught me about love and commitment
For a long time, I really believed I was polyamorous. I was just 19 (far too young), in a triangle relationship my ex boyfriend and his best friend, when I thought I was non-monogamous. I was young, naive and thought being able to be with more than one person was the best way to express freedom and explore my sexuality. “You’re so modern” I’d hear when I brought it up to people. But after trying out for years, I reached the point where had to ask myself if non-monogamy was even real.
The Illusion of Freedom
My biggest realization this year was getting into a monogamous relationship and looking back after 4 years and seeing that a lot that I thought was the freedom of non-monogamy was just me seeking for validation through intimacy. It was rarely about the emotional connection. It felt more like a game of my ego — having a roster, a list of crushes, and knowing that I can be with whoever I lusted for, but after each encounter, I was left feeling more empty than fulfilled.
Even though my partners were okay with me seeing other people, at some point they weren’t. Sure, they agreed to it, and some even suggested it, but deep down they were all just trying to satisfy me. There was always some form of jealousy and insecurity deep down the surface. And let’s talk about the non-monogamous couples on TikTok normalizing jealousy, talking about how everyone feels it and just accepts it, they piss me off all the time!!! It’s just that, I don’t think being jealous in a relationship is normal or should be, it’s so clear that something deeper is being at play and it seems like they always deny that.
The Reality
The more I experienced it, the more I realized that non monogamy doesn’t magically change human nature because it makes you so “open minded”. I saw the same issues and the same drama you see in monogamous relationships — jealousy, infidelity, lying. You’re getting your heart broken by more than one person at the same time, people are still sneaking around, hiding things. It made me realize that non-monogamy was just a way to avoid the deeper emotional and inner work that comes with a monogamous relationships and commitment, not as a more enlightened or evolved way of loving or having sex.
And honestly, when there was something a lot of times it came down to lust. Non-monogamy for me was supposed to be about love and connection, but for many people (myself included), it became a way to justify physical and sexual desires whenever and get away with it. The idea of having the freedom to be with anyone became an excuse, and even got abused which just led to chaos and toxicity in relationships.
Lessons Learned
So, is non-monogamy real? Maybe for some, and it depends the context. Non-monogamy is different than ethical non-monogamy, which practices consent, honesty, and open communication with everybody involved. Like polyamory, open relationships, or swinging each having their own set of rules and dynamics. But in my experience—and from what I’ve seen—it’s not ethical for most people. It often feels more like a way to avoid confronting our fear of real commitment and emotional vulnerability.
Eventually, the drama, the confusion , the jealousy—it made me realize that non-monogamy isn’t this empowering relationship I thought it would be. In fact, it ruined most of my relationships. It’s not that I think that non-monogamy itself is bad thing( Okay, maybe a bit), but I believe it can be beautiful, if it’s done with honesty towards yourself and your partner, but I think that requires a lot of self awareness and open communication that rarely happens. So that’s why I think it’s important to question whether non-monogamy can offer real healthy love and fulfilment or if it’s just an escape from deeper issues.
In the end, the journey of non-monogamy taught me valuable lessons about love, commitment, and self-discovery. I realized that being with one person, building trust, and practicing open communication had so much more value than being with multiple people. The love that I needed came when I chose to be with one person, growing together, rather than seeking validation in endless new experiences. It hasn’t been an easy switch, but it’s definitely been worth it.
Every culture is very different but here is how it works in mine. Descended from the ‘ get ‘ of Irish and convicts our Mayflower had a multi day orgy when we first arrived on a new continent. Booze was a huge influence on society and being a beach culture, puritan views on sex never really took a huge hold. We don’t really have ‘ dating ‘ . Instead drunk hook ups are the mainstay of male - female relationships. The huge caveat being if you do start ‘ going out ‘ you become monogamous. Your friends actually get fkked off if you break this rule. You will get a lecture from family and friends if you let a partner down. The logic is sex is pretty freely available and no one twisted your arm to leave the orgy and go watch a movie with your girlfriend.
When I first moved to the US and encountered dating I was stunned. Girls generally always accepted an invite to dinner and you could see as many people as you wanted. It wasn’t long before I was seeing half dozen people.
I have to say I did miss ‘ going out ‘ though as it was far simpler. In many ways it way an extension of our deep seated ‘ mateship ‘ culture that is the closest thing we have to religion outside of sport.
All human relationships are tough. Lot of ego involved. I respect people trying to feel out what works for them.