Is Our Attachment Style Really the Problem, or Are We Just Dating the Wrong Person?
The truth we don't want to hear about our relationships
While i’m the happiest and the healthiest relationship i’ve ever been in my life time, I started reflecting a lot on myself, and my past relationships, I started contemplating if my attachment style was really part of the problem or was the person I chose to date was the real issue?
The attachment style theory says the relationships you have as a child with your parents or caregivers can shape your expectations, emotions, and behaviors in your future relationships. It identifies four attachment styles : anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure.
Are you anxiously attached, constantly worried about how your partner feels about you, and needing reassurance? Or are you avoidantly attached, preferring to keep your distance and fleet when things become too emotional?Or are you disorganized in your attachments, not sure how to balance intimacy and independence, which leads to mixed emotions and behaviours? Perhaps, you're lucky enough to have a secure attachment style, with a healthy balance of communication. However, we must ask ourselves, are these attachment styles scapegoats for avoiding responsibility for our actions in relationships?
I remember having a constant feeling of anxiety in my stomach, I was convinced that my attachment style was to blame for my toxic relationship. My ex was avoidant, very avoidant; it created a toxic dynamic where I constantly yearned for reassurance, and he preferred keeping his distance and ignoring me. I labeled myself as anxious, needy, and even crazy when I would throw tantrums when I got ignored, but in reality, it was his behavior that fueled my insecurities, my neediness, and my craziness. However, my behavior and craziness were my responsibility alone. Blaming my tantrums on my anxious attachment was also not okay.
Now that I’m in a new relationship with a partner who communicates openly and shows genuine care, I don’t feel anxious or crazy at all anymore. This made me realize that my anxiety wasn’t a part of who I am; it was a reaction to a toxic relationship. The person you date can impact how your attachment style manifests, turning secure people anxious or avoidant people disorganized.
Maybe the protagonist in the film 500 Days of Summer was wrong for not listening to Summer’s clear choice of not wanting a relationship; she said didn’t want a relationship, but he chose to project his fantasies and desires, while ignoring her boundaries, and ended up brokenhearted. The dynamic in this movie, to me, was a perfect reflection of what happens to us in real life when it comes to attachment styles; we use it as an excuse or as a lack of thereoff without acknowledging the accountability or the choices that we hold to walk away when something is not working out.
Attachment styles are a way for us to psychologically understand ourselves on how and why we feel or act a certain way, but not as an excuse for these harmful behaviors. We blame our relationship problems on these psychological theories, but at the end of the day, it’s up to us if we are going to endure this behavior or choose a partner who is compatible with us.
So perhaps it’s not only about our capability but also our standards. Are we willing to accept less than we deserve because we are too busy analyzing our partners or our psychological responses?
Sometimes it’s not about our attachment style at all. Sometimes it’s about standing up and walking away, and saying we deserve better than the toxic relationships we endure. Because in the end, love should elevate us, not diminish us.